It was brought to my attention very recently that I need to forgive myself for infractions that occurred in my past, which are keeping me from moving forward in my present life. I’m not sure I’m ready to forgive, because the fear of unintentionally (or intentionally) harming someone stymies me. So, obviously, I have a lot of work to do.

Basically, a long, long time ago, I must have done something out of greed that ended up hurting someone. I was very conscious of this action and result, and internalized the harm I did so that I would remember it and work to not cause that type of harm to anyone else in the future. I’ve carried this across many lifetimes into this one, and now it’s time to face the music. I need to forgive myself and let go so that I can move forward. I need to realize and have faith that my morals, ethics, and personal beliefs are strong enough to help me recognize when situations like this arise in the future and that I will act with kindness, compassion, and love — not greed and selfishness.

When this was brought to my attention, I could clearly see this theme occurring many times in this lifetime, and it saddened me. Because I can remember what I did and the harm I believed I caused to someone else (even if it was extremely trivial in the scheme of things) — though most of the times, my actions were innocent but misguided.

We’ve all heard that we are hardest on ourselves — most likely because we know our own true character and expect better actions and reactions from ourselves in not-so-stellar times — but we also must recognize that we, too, are human, make mistakes, and need to have compassion for ourselves (as we would for others) and forgive ourselves (as we tend to do for others).

The fear that stymies me — I don’t want to hurt someone intentionally or unintentionally. And I have the ability to see the far-reaching ramifications when harm is done. My faith and belief in myself needs to be stronger, and I need to honor and respect that as I’ve matured my experiences have helped make me stronger and smarter. It’s time for me to forgive myself, to be more compassionate to myself, ultimately to truly love myself. After all, I am a pretty awesome person, I think!

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I’ve always believed I had perfectionistic tendencies – mostly when it comes to work – but never viewed these tendencies as bordering on cruelty toward myself. But upon reflection, it has. I remember working over a light board, cutting, pasting, and repositioning ads during magazine layouts until wee hours of the morning to make sure everything was “perfect”. Then getting a couple of hours of restless sleep before my young children would wake me up and I’d meet their demands as the “perfect” mom. And so it went for many, many years.

I feel like I’ve gotten better – becoming less demanding of myself, establishing and honoring boundaries about home life vs. work life (I work out of my house), and not beating myself up for not fitting in to various social norms. But I think I can do much more to be compassionate to myself (could that be some perfectionism flaring up?).

What does it mean to love one’s self, to have compassion for yourself? When I think of compassion towards others, I think of empathy, of making myself available to them, if needed, for listening or doing something for them, for reaching out to them to let them know I’m thinking of them, donating money or time to help them, etc. When my friends talk about working 60+ hours in a week, missing out on time with their significant others, I listen, get frustrated with them, and wish they’d take more time for themselves. When friends aren’t feeling well, I wonder what can be done to help them feel better quicker, and I let them know I am thinking of them and sending them healing energy.

For myself, I have some work to do. Whenever I think of doing something for myself, my immediate thoughts are about selfishness and how it will affect others. One thing I have learned over time is that “others” will do just fine, no matter what I decide to do for myself. But my need to please has a very strong hold on my psyche, and it’s learning to shift that to be a need to please myself!

There are many more thoughts to share and expand on, but I’ll stop here and ask you to share what one thing you do just for yourself on a regular basis that shows love and compassion to YOU. I look forward to reading your comments.

And tonight, I shall take one step closer to loving myself. Instead of attending a Chamber of Commerce function with my spouse and then a Meet the Teachers night at the high school with my daughter, I’m skipping both and taking myself to an exercise class that I really want to attend. I have to start somewhere!

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This idea is not new. A few years ago, I saw a family interviewed on the evening news who did this, and the idea stuck with me. Then, recently my spouse started thinking about and researching ideas for our future retirement (many years down the road, but no time like the present to plan for it!). One of our discussions in the past month was that we would eventually downsize and move into a smaller home at some point, especially one with a slightly larger piece of much flatter land (our driveway has a steep incline) to be able to park our RV (his current idea for our retirement…). During that conversation, I told my husband that I didn’t want to quit living NOW and put everything on hold just so we could manage our future retirement life, and he agreed. That’s when I started thinking about renewing or upgrading while downsizing at the same time.

I am committed to this process for 13 months. We’ll see where my thinking is at the end of 2013. My experience so far is that shopping has become much more mindful. I was recently in a store and saw an item that was cute and I thought I’d enjoy having it. Then I realized I’d have to get rid of two items to get this one thing — something fun, but trivial. So I didn’t buy it. It wasn’t worth it.

I also need to be careful during this experience that I don’t fall into the trap of thinking “Oh, I just gave a box of clothing to our local charity, so I can go out and buy myself some things!” We all naturally weed through things throughout the year to donate or throw away, but this specific resolution is not a two-way street. New items must come in first, THEN double the items must go out. The normal weeding-out process is not going to count.

I’m looking forward to this experience as it unfolds and to the thoughtfulness in my purchasing and in my downsizing that it will demand. I plan to keep a record of it, and I’ll share with you the highlights as the new year progresses. I’m looking forward to less clutter, roomier closets, and being surrounded by truly meaningful items that I use regularly.

Have you ever done something like this? What was your experience? And have you set any intentions for 2013? Please share!

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At the beginning of November, a friend of mine started making daily posts on FaceBook expressing gratitude to something or someone. She inspired me to do the same, and I started a couple of days ago with a ten-day countdown to Thanksgiving. So far, so good. And I look forward to completing this little journey.

What I’ve enjoyed most about it is that it has helped me to not get caught up in the daily grind because I’m thinking about who or what I’m grateful for and what I’m planning on writing. And it has helped me reconnect with that idealistic, hope-filled, peaceful part of myself that seems to get shoved around and placed in a corner during the stresses of everyday life – the part of me that craves to be present on a more regular basis in my life.

I’d like to say that I will continue this gratitude journey beyond Thanksgiving, but I’m not going to kid myself. Life is hectic for all of us, and there are so many things I wish I would do on a regular basis but can’t seem to find the time.

For now, I’m thankful for this momentary journey of gratitude that I’m taking. And I’m thankful to my web designer, Amanda C Creative, for developing Innerchangemag.com’s new look. And I’m thankful to be able to serve my community by continuing with this labor of love. And I’m thankful for you, Innerchangemag.com’s visitors, and I hope my website’s content provides comfort and inspiration to you.

Happy Thanksgiving!

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I just spent a long weekend in the western part of North Carolina, in Bryson City and surrounding areas. For me, there is something about the fresh mountain air, the beautiful scenery, and the simplicity of life that refreshes my spirit.

I felt worlds away from my “regular” life. When asked where I was from, I said “Raleigh, North Carolina.” Then I realized that I was still in North Carolina! Why did I say it? I felt so removed from my daily grind – no phones ringing, no kids or pets demanding lots of attention, no computers beckoning to me – that I was able to truly relax and live in the moment. I yearn for more…

I met someone there who recently retired early and gave away everything so that he could stay by the river in the mountains and never go back to his old life. I’ll share his story soon. It’s one of letting go, of healing, and of moving on.

What brings you a sense of peace? What allows you to live in the moment? What heals you?

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