Male Spirituality

by Frederick Whitmeyer

The Wind, One Brilliant Day

The wind, one brilliant day, called to my soul with an odor of jasmine.

"In return for the odor of my jasmine, I'd like all the odor of your roses."

"I have no roses; all the flowers in my garden are dead."

"Well then, I'll take the withered petals and the yellow leaves and the waters of the fountain"

The wind left. And I wept. And I said to myself: "What have you done with the garden that was entrusted to you?"

-Antonio Machado

People laugh up their sleeves at anything that defies the industrial explanation of our lives, anything that is spiritual.

-Jim Nollman

The quote and poem above tell a story of spirituality missing in the lives of Western man. They certainly tell a story of spirituality missing in the first fifty years of my life. Being "spiritual" as a boy and young man was akin to being a "sissy." And, that just did not fit the mold of male toughness that I was handed and told to fit into. Spirituality is about connecting to and feeling at a deep level unseen energies. Spirituality is about connecting with our own soul. Spirituality is about connecting with reverence to this planet and other species that inhabit it.

Male spirituality is about hearing the truth. Male spirituality is about speaking the truth. Our Western culture is much better at denial than it is about truth. It's hard to claim to be part of the tribe of Western culture and not be in denial of the violence and atrocities done to the air, water, forests, and natural wildlife in the name of our industrial democracy. In fact, to be "out" spiritually in this environment is to be asking for trouble. That is, if we believe that being spiritual is being truthful. Being quiet supports the violence.

How did we get this way? I grew up very confused about what it meant to be a man. I got lots of mixed messages from different sources. Mostly, I was not supposed to have or express feelings, not have or express desires or do anything that wasn't masculine. Certainly not cry. Having been schooled in a dysfunctional and abusive home environment, fear dominated my whole being. The only way I survived was to completely suppress any and all feelings, except anger. Anger was okay so long as it was not expressed as a position opposite of the ruling power. That left only my friends. And, I did have friends, for which I am very grateful.

There is a connection between male spirituality and male initiation as practiced long ago by indigenous tribes. The ancient rites of male initiation were complicated and subtle experiences. They were like a spiral of four stages that continually repeated itself until it finally sank in. Robert Bly suggests that the four stages are 1) bonding with and separation from the mother; 2) bonding with and separation from the father; 3) finding and bonding with a male mentor; and 4) discovering and honoring the inner feminine.

Most American men successfully bond with the mother. I did. It is the "separation" from the mother that doesn't go well. Since my "mother separation" didn't go well, I married women to be my mother. Bonding with the father took place more naturally before the Industrial Revolution. This bonding requires many hours in which the bodies of the father and son sit, stand or work close to each other, within a foot or two.

I actually do not remember ever spending time with my father. He lived there, but he was not there, except when he was acting out his violence on his family. Our own feelings are sources of energy that can turn dangerous if not honored. The innate power that a man possesses because of his feelings puts him at risk of becoming its victim. Feelings validated, affirmed and honored in a healthy way is a form of spirituality,

Today, the average father in the United States talks to his son less than 10 minutes a day. A small son interprets the fathers' absence from the house as evidence of his own unworthiness. The American man is often 40 or 45 before these first two stages of initiation have taken place, if at all.

Bonding with a male mentor is similar to bonding with the mother. It is tender and nurturing. It is unconditional caring, loving. I found this in the male teachers that validated and nurtured me. I also found a few male mentors in older, mature men who saw something special in me and blessed me. This is something the father cannot do without sacrificing his own masculinity.

Discovering and honoring the inner feminine results in a man developing deep spiritual feelings. This concept is foreign to most Western men. I found my way to this stage by acknowledging that I had an inner child, and that he was hurting. At about age 50, I began talking with and loving my inner child. This was my first step in letting go of the idea that some woman was responsible for taking care of my needs. This was my first step in beginning to get some balance in my life between the King, Warrior, Magician and Lover energies.

The same year that I received my medicare card, I completed a male initiation known as the New Warrior Training Adventure weekend. That weekend literally changed my life. My childhood experience of abuse had left my inner Warrior dead. I had struggled to balance these archetypal energies, but it just didn't happen until I completed this initiation. I found many new male mentors, and I became a better elder and mentor to younger men.

I had noticed for a long time that all the flowers in my garden were dead. And, I wept. As men struggling to be truthful and to live spiritual lives, we tend to go through all of these stages in a shallow way. Then we go back and live in several stages at once; go through them all again with less shallowness; return again to our parents, bond and separate once more; and find a new mentor until we get it. I finally get it. The power of the King, Warrior, Magician and Lover energies in the mature masculine easily offsets the lifelong feelings of anger, grief, fear and shame. The flowers in my garden are finally blooming.

Frederick Whitmeyer is an elder, mentor, spiritual coach and healer. He is a long time member and currently president of the Raleigh Men's Center, and an initiated man in the international men's organization, the ManKind Project. You can reach Frederick at 336-427-2562 or Whitmeyer@mindspring.com.