Revitalizing Relationships

by Cynthia L. Torkelson

One of the most life-enhancing, rewarding aspects of personal and professional life, albeit arduous and complicated, is our ability to create, maintain and sustain a myriad of diverse relationships. Certainly a mate ranks right up there in our quest for intimacy and nurturance! As a business improvement consultant and personal life-issues coach, I hear about and assist with spousal-related problems fairly frequently. Sometimes couples or mates owning a business as partners-or each owing one separately-can adversely impact their company as well as their private lives together... but most predominantly are those couples struggling to keep their relationship and connection alive as well as enduring.

Let's look at some facts. During 1997, 2.4 million marriages and 1.2 million divorces took place in the United States. That translates into 6,500 marriages and 3,200 divorces per day! The Census Bureau places the nation's divorce rate at slightly higher than fifty percent, and married couples make up the bulk of small-business owners. So it's not surprising that divorce has hit this segment hard... twenty-two percent of husband-and-wife-owned companies called it quits during the 1990s.

Although every relationship is unique in and of itself, there are strategies that can be applied to most "companion" situations to strengthen and empower the experience of being connected. The following sections describe these strategies.

Rejecting the 50/50 relationship!

An "equal" partnership is unrealistic in almost any relationship context, whether it be spouse, friend, family member or co-worker. Changing goals, values and interests-along with who we are and will be as we evolve as personalities- requires an understanding that relationships inherently shift and transform. Growing in tandem with each other as well as releasing the "who is supposed to do what" expectations allows a healthy evolution; both able to be and do what is natural to their own growth and experience. Assimilating and accommodating these changes, versus rejecting them based on an old, out-of-date formula, substantially increases our potential for satisfaction and survival.

Exploring vs. assuming!

When difficulty arises-especially when feelings get hurt-we often assume we are being misunderstood or simply rejected. In fact, most of the time, it is a miscommunication, a misunderstanding, or a difference in perspective! When we are able to put aside our personal assumptions or emotions and objectively investigate the situation, we open the door to understanding, growth and resolution. But we tend to speak more than we listen, or defend something being spoken before it's fully verbalized. A very effective tactic is to ask lots of questions and withhold commentary or response until our mate or partner has finished explaining. Asking implies interest and a commitment to resolving the issue, whereas defensiveness only indicates righteousness. Listen to what is revealed, using questions to explore what your partner is saying and why-allowing for clarity and deeper understanding. This alone can keep trust established and dramatically enhance the quality of the relationship.

Address, clarify and resolve!

As a wise man once said to me: "Understanding is just the booby prize." Typically we will communicate to the point of understanding (if we're lucky), but then we leave out discussing the actual resolution! Once an issue is on the table and clearly understood, the next important step is to fix it by creating specific agreements that work for each individual. This involves negotiation- authentic give-and-take that is committed to each feeling positive about the end result. Compromise sometimes requires giving up our position if necessary, and then defining new expectations and timeframes that create change and growth. Taking the issue to full resolution insures realignment can occur such that the relationship stays stable and continues moving forward without repeatedly running into the same old roadblocks.

Mutually manage finances!

This is the most common issue I find when assisting couples, either in business or in personal relationships. Mates frequently segregate responsibilities or tasks, whether directly or through habit, but rarely contribute the same amount of income. Regarding business or personal finances, both people should be dealing with money issues together and head-on! When one person is almost entirely responsible for that aspect of their union, it will cause a multitude of hidden problems that will eventually reveal themselves in other areas. Always handle finances and discuss money situations together, on a regular basis. Sharing this responsibility keeps vital communication lines open and diminishes resentments or misunderstandings.

Schedule quality time!

We all get lazy and stop focusing on the relationship as time goes by or life gets complicated. Then we wonder why it's disintegrating or no longer giving us what we want, need or expect. It's essential to actually schedule dates together- for romance, intimacy and reconnection-in order to keep the relationship alive and vital! Avoid discussing children or work or the in-laws and focus only on the two of you-what you love about each other, what brought you together in the first place-and recreate the excitement of dating and courting each other anew. Make time to nurture each other, and you will rediscover your connection and revitalize your bond.

Most issues inside a relationship- wherever they come from and however they reveal themselves-do not just go away. They may get buried, ignored, or denied, but unless eventually discussed and resolved, they have a nasty habit of catching up with us and sabotaging our stability with those we truly value in our lives. Don't let yours become just another statistic!

© Cynthia L. Torkelson 2002. "A Partner For Profitability and Peace of Mind." For over 10 years, Cindy has been providing consulting & management coaching to business owners and executives, as well as individuals with personal life-shift issues. She can be reached at 919-493-0629 or BizLessons@aol.com.