Double Standard Revisited

Regarding the article entitled "Wrestling with the Double Standard" by Clyde Frasier in your last issue (Aug/Sept 2001), I would like to make the following points in response to the suggestions laid out there:

1. Just because our past behavior has deep roots does not mean that it will continue to benefit our evolution. It is time we examine long-held and limiting views toward sexuality. If society was not telling women that they should not enjoy sex without commitment, women would be more likely to indulge in it. Granted, "most women do have little interest in sex outside of relationships." Women enjoy actual communication. However, there are many types of real relationships. A real relationship can be based on a mutual understanding that it does not include long-term commitment. Unfortunately, men often mislead their partners in order to get sex with little regard for emotions or self-esteem. Perhaps we could achieve regard for other humans and simply be honest about needs and desired outcomes?

2. I would like to know more about the Nyar culture. Has it been successful? Are children cared for or neglected? Apparently, children are given male care and guidance by "uncles." Is this less desirable than one central male figure giving the care? How do these children turn out? Are they juvenile delinquents?

3. We are not merely biological entities. We can love or love only ourselves. Many men have adopted and loved other people's biological offspring. Many men abandon their offspring not because they are uncertain that they are truly their own, but because they do not want the responsibility. There are also less societal pressures to "do the right thing." If you want to romanticize ancient cultures, let me say he is probably less likely to get killed by the girl's tribe if he does not marry her these days.

4. There is little danger that the primary familial unit will return to "the basic mammalian pattern of a mother and her young." Are you suggesting that wild males will circle outside these units waiting for the females to wander off occasionally, looking for a feeding, maybe eating another male's young? I find it far more likely that extended families and self-made families will continue to form and support each other and, yes, nurture our young without having to be "convinced."

5. I would like to know where Mr. Frasier got his information regarding "the ardent desire" of girls to be genitally mutilated. I'm sure these restrictions are "embraced and enforced" by the women who have had to endure them. Would you like to be told that you are damaged and wrong? However, only a damaged person could continue to support and inflict this torture on young girls who do not know better than what they are told to accept by the adults in their lives. The alternative for them is ostracism by their tribes - a choice not usually made by young people.

6. I can believe a majority of women polled would feel "disappointed, bitter, disillusioned and betrayed by the sexual revolution." That's because it's not over, and the important part is not the sex. Up to now it's been easy for men to take advantage of sex without any emotional involvement whatsoever and without guilt. The second part of the sexual revolution will occur when women stop allowing men to lie about their intentions and insist that they relate to them as persons worthy of respect. Seems trite, seems easy to say "Well, men are biologically driven to treat women as objects. Moreover, why should a man respect a woman who may be willing to sleep with him without commitment?" Men do usually have stronger sex drives than women. It's all that testosterone. But, men should respect women no matter what they decide to do. Sex or no sex. Just talk! Without anyone fearing that legalized abortion removes the last obstacle to rape.

7. I'd like to know who all these wanton male satyrs are supposed to be doing it with - the Bad Girls? Perhaps institutionalized houses of prostitution would ensure human survival.

8. Finally, gender is not set in stone. We have had both male and female experiences. When I get on top and fantasize that I once again have a penis, my orgasm is shorter and more explosive. Not at all the rolling, building, crashing waves I experience as a woman, which is my usual focus.

In conclusion, our future challenge is that of integrating all of ourselves, reaching out to others in a loving way, and taking responsibility for all of our actions. This goes for men and women. If we can achieve this the survival of humans is assured. It would be sad indeed to consider that we could survive and yet fail to grow up.

Rachel de Faut
Wilmington, NC