Commitment Carries the Day

by Cynthia L. Torkelson

Recently my parents celebrated their 50th anniversary, which is quite a momentous milestone for any relationship, regardless of its definition! Because I’m a coach as well as their daughter, the rarity and magnitude of the event became an insightful window for me to examine successful partnerships. A marriage is certainly a partnership—an alliance, union, collaboration—as are all relationships, whether defined by need, community, employment, statute or contract. Successful relationships require partnership, and vice versa. The evidence of success in partnership may not always be longevity; many relationships form themselves—momentarily or substantially—either by design or happenstance, throughout our lives. Additionally, each variation includes differing degrees of scope, emotions and expectations. Though no two relationships are exactly the same, the component necessary for the partnership to flourish is the same, regardless.

Using my parents’ lengthy and on-going union as an example, some universal truths can be extracted. Initially it was, to some degree, a leap of faith; they didn’t know—starting out—how long it would last; it wasn’t always easy or happy; and as each life-shift or change occurred with one, the other was taken into account—included, considered and informed. These same pieces map onto any other relationship as well. Whether we form a business or personal alliance, we only know some things when we begin; the rest occurs within the timeframe and constraints of the partnership. We also each "come to the table" with differing skills, experiences, knowledge, assumptions and expectations. Herein live the tricky aspects—how we match up and maneuver successfully in any relationship, given the diversity of elements, and still achieve a positive outcome. Without some ‘glue’ in place, adhering us to each other, these variations in compatibility or synchronicity can play havoc, even with the best intentions.

So, is the "glue" good communication? Not necessarily, but it certainly helps. Is it the length of the relationship? Not at all—short partnerships can be successful too. Is it forethought? Impossible, for we cannot know everything that might occur ahead. Is it luck or fate? Sometimes, but if that’s what we rely on, we have no ability to make something happen without luck. In essence, the glue itself must be the framework within which everything/anything is held, and within our own limited control, regardless of various diversities. And that is what reveals the answer…because there is only one component—ultimately—that shows up in any winning relationship. Short or long, difficult or easy, intense or superficial, business or personal—all, when successful, include a dedicated commitment. When this glue is present, regardless of the context of the partnership, it becomes a prominent factor in the overall result.

Dedication and commitment are intangibles. They don’t show up visually like a smile or a frown, but viscerally as powerful forces that influence both outcome and sustainability. However, we often do not approach different relationships with the same level of commitment; our dedication ebbs and flows based on situation, mood, circumstance, or need. We perceive some partnerships as worthy of commitment, while others require less or none. Therein lies the heart of the problem, I suggest.

Parenting is another useful window into authentic commitment…whether parents are ready or not, raising children is truly the most arduous task a person can undertake in life. In most circumstances, it is an almost irreversible dedication to decades of selflessness and responsibility. And, naturally, most parents don’t know everything that will or can occur with a new baby added to their lives; at best, it’s an intellectual exercise until the arrival! Then, experientially, the parents begin dealing with and learning from everything that comes with that new relationship…a child who requires their constant attention and inclusion, additional expenses, less sleep, more demands, more worry, less personal time—less time altogether for the next eighteen or twenty years! And yet, the first time (or fiftieth time) the baby causes them hardship, disappointment or worry, the reaction or conclusion isn’t typically "get rid of the child!" Whether a parent actually has that thought consciously or not, the commitment to the relationship dismisses it as an option, and dedication becomes the active component. We become devoted to figuring it out and moving through it, as best we can, because the glue of our commitment takes us in that direction.

So what if we perceived and approached every commitment that same way? What would be possible then? With our friends and neighbors? Our environment? Our employees? Our bosses? Our co-workers? How much harder would we try to communicate? Or listen? Or compromise? How much longer would we continue the effort, in spite of diversity and difficulty?

Our perceptions are what cause and create our thoughts, words and deeds; change a perception and you change the outcome. Thus, if we perceive the commitment glue as variable—differing based on situation or mood—we will not approach each potential partnership with the same level of energy, intention or devotion; in effect, a half-hearted approach at best. But if commitment were all or nothing, it would positively influence every relationship, every day, with an underlying dedication and sense of responsibility. This would increase the probability that many more partnerships could flourish; in essence, closing the back door…that door we escape through whenever we don’t want to give relationships our all. And perhaps fifty-year anniversaries, of all types, wouldn’t be so uncommon.

© Cynthia L. Torkelson 2001. A Partner For Profitability and Peace of Mind, Cindy has been providing counseling to business owners and executives, as well as individuals with personal life issues, for over a decade. She can be reached at: (919) 493-0629 or BizLessons@aol.com.