Exploring Touch as Men

by Randolph E. "Raven" Clayton, LMBT, CHHP

Of all the things I am thankful for, I am most thankful for my parents raising me with the belief that touch is good. Growing up in a conservative Roman Catholic family of Celtic Heritage I dealt with a certain amount of taboos regarding sexuality, alternative sexuality, and even gender identity, but the one fear I never had to deal with was the fear of touch.

My parents very openly loved me. I was clearly a Momma's boy from an early age, and I clung openly to my mother in public and private situations, but when I sought out affection from my father I was never denied. My parents hugged, kissed and held me. I grew up with a natural love of touching others. It is that love that led me to the health fields.

I am amazed, however, to find that many men didn't grow up with parents like mine. As a result, we have a community of men who are afraid of touch or showing intimacy on any level (friend, romantic, sexual, or even spiritual).

Discovering Touch

While I was in massage school, I had a client who had been scheduled with me in the student clinic. I don't remember his name, and only remember that he was a friend of one of the instructors, who had scheduled him with a female therapist originally to make the client more comfortable. His fears for this client were unfounded. We had a great session, and the client asked to see me again. However, no one, even those comfortable with touch is completely protected from the irrational fears our society places on us.

When I got my first massage, I was so nervous, I came wearing a pair of khaki shorts (that I wouldn't remove) and a t-shirt. The therapist was very kind and comforting, and I eventually was able to let down my guard. The experience was so life changing I became devoted to learning how to help others in the same way.

Touch and Sexuality

One of the largest fears of both women and men with regards to touch is the connection between touch and intimacy. One woman told me that because her husband used to touch her as a way to warm her up for sexual activities, it is hard for her to disconnect sexuality from touch and massage.

Often, heterosexual men feel if a man touches them, they will be viewed as homosexual, or they feel if a woman touches them that they will get an erection. Homosexual men often alienate both genders by fears that if a man touches them they will get an erection, and by their inability to deal with touch from someone they are not sexually connected to. The result - many men (and women) do not experience touch in the ways that they should.

Touch is a natural expression having nothing to do in and of itself with sexuality. However, touch does release endorphins, and thus can reduce pain and even enhance pleasure. But that does not limit its uses.

Touch can be used to express joy and sorrow, romance and friendship, love and fraternity, all in as simple a gesture as a hug. Touch can also express hate, fear, and rage. It is up to us how to use touch in our lives, and how to pass the legacy of touch on to our progeny.

Sharing Touch

Sharing Touch can be an amazing way to express a wide expanse of emotions. It has healing benefits (proven by medical science), and supports our vast physical, mental-emotional, and spiritual systems. This brings us to the question of how we can share touch:

• Health professionals are the most capable of sharing touch. Touching someone's hand, massaging feet, or holding someone in an hour of need can remove as much or more suffering than narcotic painkillers.
• Friends can share touch with each other - hug, touch, and maintain contact with each other. It is amazing how many problems can be solved by touch.
• Partners can support each other with touch. Take a couple's massage class, or do other activities that allow you to touch.
• Co-parents and friends can support mothers through the birth process with regular touch and massage. Take an expecting mother to a massage therapist, and ask the therapist for techniques you can use at home.
• Parents, please touch your children. No life exists without connections, and we make connections through touch.

"John 13:5 Then He poured water into the basin, and began to wash the disciples' feet and to wipe them with the towel with which He was girded. 13:6 So He came to Simon Peter. Peter said to Him, "Lord, do You wash my feet." 13:7 Peter said to Him, "Never shall You wash my feet." Jesus answered him, "If I do not wash you, you have no part with Me." 13:9 Simon Peter said to Him, "Lord, then wash not only my feet, but also my hands and my head." - The Bible

Randolph E. "Raven" Clayton, LMBT, CHHP is a Licensed & Nationally Certified Massage & Bodywork Therapist, Certified Holistic Health Practitioner, and is the Director of Port City Healing Arts in Wilmington, NC. He can be contacted at 910/ 352-5954, or email: rclayton@pchealingarts.com.