Blended Families and The Power of Humility

By Charles and Barbara Whitfield

Second marriages, where the new couple have children from a first marriage, are called ”Blended Families.”  Statistics in our society show that more than 50% of married couples eventually divorce. When the divorcees find someone new and remarry  they create these blended families.

Blended families are common today. And, they offer us an array of new problems to work out because many times the first-marriage couple that have broken up never completed their work together on learning what healthy parenting is all about. And the additional children who are blended-in inherit more complications as they need to grieve for the loss of their original family and somehow adjust to the blending-in of the new family X number of days a week.

We just co-authored a book with Health Communications Inc. called The Power of Humility: Choosing Peace over Conflict in Relationships.  We will briefly explain the first two triangles in the map above because it explains the big picture for new blended families. And by the way, Charles and I have a blended family. He has one daughter and I have two sons and a daughter. We have been “blending” for 17 years now.

Triangles
One of the biggest problems in the beginning of a blended marriage (and universal to dysfunctional families) is triangling. This manifests in many ways as conflict between the step-parent and child, or the two adults, or the child and the parent. The couple and the child each take a role in the triangle. The usual roles are: victim, abuser and rescuer. Quickly the roles change because the rescuer may be attacked by the victim or the abuser and then becomes the victim, etc. This stance takes on an either/or attitude that we also call all-or-none thinking and behaving. “I’m right and you’re wrong!” It seems the triangle is locked in and everyone eventually plays all three roles.

But there is a way out. And the way out is through humility, through the willingness to learn more about ourselves, others, and, if we choose, the God of our understanding. Adopting a more open approach, one or both parents can step out of the triangle. Ideally, both adults step out together and support each other in a unified role. (This leaves the child able to be a child again instead of being in the middle of something the parents can’t resolve.)

Now the relationships take on a new attitude of Both/And. “We are both okay in this/ And...”—endless possibilities. The parents realize that their relationship becomes first and primary. They stand together as adults and agree on their parenting decisions. Then they deal with and love the child where the child is now – even though the child may be acting out, grieving, etc. The parents are parents together. The child  can no longer divide them in a way to manipulate to get what it wants – usually attention. The parent and the step-parent agree on giving the child appropriate attention before the child has to act out to get it.

This new way of being and relating not only allows the children to be children again, but it is also a map that shows how we can become closer with our mates in a healthy way without loosing ourselves. The map goes from that first level of (either/or) conflict to co-commitment (both/and) as described above and shown in the figure. And, then if we choose, we move up to Co-creation (inviting/trusting) with close others and our Higher Power. The highest triangle – the fourth level shows us Unity (merging).

In The Power of Humility, besides explaining this in a conceptual way, we tell real stories of how this works in our patient’s lives and in our own lives.

Writing this book made our lives better. We applied what we learned and it worked. We offer you our best wishes for success with these new concepts. Our world needs each of us to bring humility and all its gifts, including especially peace here wherever we are.

© Charles and Barbara Whitfield 2007

Charles L. Whitfield, M.D., is a pioneer in trauma recovery, including the way we remember childhood and other trauma and abuse. A physician and front line therapist who assists trauma survivors in their healing, he is the author of sixty published articles and ten best selling books on trauma psychology and recovery; three of these books have been translated and published in ten foreign languages. Since 1995 he has been voted by his peers as being one of the best doctors in America. For over twenty-three years he has taught at Rutgers University's Institute on Alcohol and Drug Studies. He is a consultant and research collaborator at the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention since 1998. He has a private practice in Atlanta, Georgia with his wife, Barbara where they provide individual and group therapy for trauma survivors and people with addictions and other problems in living. For more information go to www.cbwhit.com.

Barbara H. Whitfield, R.T., C.M.T., is the author of many published articles and five books. She is a thanatologist (thanatology is the study of death and dying), workshop presenter, near-death experiencer and respiratory and massage therapist. She was on the faculty of Rutgers University's Summer School for Alcohol and Drug Studies for 12 years. Barbara was research assistant to psychiatry professor Bruce Greyson at the University of Connecticut Medical School studying the psychological, physical and energetic aftereffects of the near-death experience. She is past president and a member of the board of the Kundalini Research Network and has sat on the executive board of the International Association for Near-Death Studies. She is a consulting editor and contributor for the Journal of Near-Death Studies. Barbara has been a guest on major television talk shows including Larry King Live, The Today Show, Man Alive, Donahue, Unsolved Mysteries, Good Morning America, Oprah, and CNN Medical News. Her story and her research have appeared in documentaries in the US, Canada, Japan, France, Belgium and Italy and in magazines such as Redbook, McCalls, Woman's World, McClean's, Common Boundary, Psychology Today and others. For more information go to www.cbwhit.com and www.barbarawhitfield.com.

Appeared at InnerchangeMag.com April, 2007 as an online exclusive.