The Meaning of MARRIAGE

By Adrienne Metcalf

Funny thing happened recently. I got married.
And though, upon hearing the news, our world swarmed about us with good wishes, congratulations and love from complete strangers, what marriage means is as much a mystery to me as speaking some obscure language or knowing how to build the Golden Gate Bridge.

I’ll back up. I was married once a long time ago in my very young adult life, playing a lead in the Broadway favorite called “Trauma, Drama, Melodrama All Glued Together with Mediocrity and Wound Tightly into Family.” Then I was not married for an equally long time, a reaction to the messy disentanglement of the aforementioned long run of “Trauma, Drama…”

During my hiatus from marriage, I dated (badly), dipped into live-in, quasi relationships, and then moved in with my life partner…whatever that means. I suppose that would have become another bad marriage or ‘splitsville’ down the road, except we were doggedly, stubbornly committed to our personal metaphysical growth and a great dog that neither of us were willing to give up.

Growth dragged us through a lot of our baggage from our previous encounters with what society says a relationship should be and out the other side into what we made of it. Our own hand-crafted version. We were un-married, committed to caring about and for each other, honest enough to be increasingly honest and trusting of ourselves and each other, and generally respectful of each other. Besides, we had and have a great deal of fun together and share a lot of the same ideals and passions. Hurrah. Everybody should be so lucky.

Luck? No, it has been hard work and now 17 years into it, we got married. As Josh, my husband?!, says “Why ruin a good thing by getting married?” There are some obvious reasons, like tax benefits – very exciting. The NPR piece a year ago on the radio that outlined the horrors of “who has say over the body when someone dies in a committed but un-married relationship.” That one had nagged at both of us as we’re contemplating wills and healthcare proxies as the responsible thing to do at the 50…rrrrr…60 something stage of life. Do I need to say Anna Nicole? Then there’s the clear communication to others, especially in our public work together and apart, that we’re not interested in side dalliances. Too messy and fraught with dangers as the societal constructs around our human nature as sexual, emotional and loving beings is more confusing than speaking in a foreign tongue while building the Golden Gate Bridge.

All logic and reason neatly tucked into our frontal lobes under “why to get married,” we went forward with the plans. How could we do it in a way that matched our nonchalance about the entire institution? We considered a party with friends and family, until we told a soul or two and were washed in their emotional reactions that had nothing to do with us. A late night internet search for Rose Gold wedding bands filled me with terror as the readily available ‘Helpful Bride To Do Lists’ scrolled from page after deadening page. Women clerks at the jewelry store were jubilant for me – I’d gotten one. I could check a man off my list and continue ardent shopping. I was now complete.

And that was the rub in it all. All my metaphysical growth, hard won and fought with courage and tenacity, to become Enough, on my own (even in a relationship because if anyone knows us, Josh ain’t doing it for me)…as a woman, crumbled and washed out the door in the face of the gush of emotions from complete strangers. Everything from jealousy to inappropriate feminine approval for rejoining the club befuddled me. I mean, wasn’t I good enough before I checked ‘getting a man’ off my to do list? I’m pretty sure that the morning I woke up married I was no different than the day before and even more to the point, our relationship was no different.

This is why some people of wisdom and grace live deep in the woods and high on mountaintops. Any social, yes, ANY societal construct that confers a status of success that can have so little to do with the truth of reality is dangerous. Marriage is covertly dangerous, when wrapped in tulle and smelling of sweet orange blossomed wedding bouquets. Disempowerment looms for the woman, who stands alone, far from the altar, feeling somehow, incontrovertibly incomplete and ‘not enough’. Deception hides behind the couples who stand on the wedding license instead of in the hard space of relating truth to self and another on a day in and day out basis. Disillusionment nags at the man who stands to be captured rather than understood, appreciated and loved, not an easy thing for a gender that has learned to suppress their feelings because they are responsible for it all in a chauvinistic paradigm. Emptiness follows the person who confuses a ring with wholeness. Could the truth of who Josh and I have come to be survive the onslaught of marriage (soundtrack to ‘Jaws’ comes up…dun, dun…)?
Well, yes. Because it is only a construct after all. The reality of being Enough and having learned love without the community’s consent and blessing are ours no matter what.
So, in the quiet comfort of our living room, with a kind and warm-hearted Justice of Peace and our cat, we sat on our couches and got married. And then Josh made dinner, I loaded the dishwasher, fed the cat, and we watched a little TV. Funny, it was really like every other day.

© 2007, Adrienne Metcalf. North Carolina native, Adrienne Metcalf, lives in Massachusetts with Josh Schwartzbach, channel for SOTU. Together they teach Conscious Reality Creation through EJA Magical Journeys, offer sacred travel adventures and trek the byways with Puka the savvy cat and Grace the intrepid RV. www.ejamagic.com, 800-327-1632.

Appeared in the April/May 2007 issue of Innerchange