Definition of Compromise in Relationships

by Mary N. Kennedy

Many people view compromise in a relationship as loss. They perceive that if they bend to the ideas, needs, wants, attitudes or opinions of others, they lose their right to their own position and are robbed of their power to be, do or have whatever they want.

I read a quote, I think it was from Dr. Wayne Dyer, which says, in essence, you can be right or you can be kind. This choice of behavior presents itself to us on many levels from dealing with everyday encounters with professionals, salespeople, service people or co-workers, as well as, and especially in, personal relationships.

As an example, recently I was attacked by fire ants in my apartment and when I reported it to the management in a very non-combative manner, there was first delay in taking care of the situation and then a “stone-faced” reception from the manager, which was not her normal treatment of me. This brought my ego right up front and my focus was on the fact that nobody had expressed any concern or sympathy for the many stings I suffered, and now I was receiving a cool treatment as if I had offended her.

My first thought was to ask the manager if I had offended her, hoping to “clear the air.” Then I remembered that I could either exercise my “right” to justify my feelings or I could be kind and forgive her behavior. As I weighed the situation, I came to realize that if I approached her with questions about her treatment of me, she would deny the situation and would still carry whatever beliefs and emotions that created her attitude in the first place. Most significantly, I recognized that her actions and reactions were the result of her past experiences and the level of her present state of happiness and fulfillment, all of which had nothing to do with me.

The situation brought to mind another quote, which I think I also heard from Dr. Dyer. It says, “If someone offers you a gift and you refuse the gift, to whom does the gift belong?” So, while my ego said I had a right to be offended by the treatment I had received, I also realized that my manager’s reaction to me was her problem and I would let her own it. By refusing her “gift,” I took my power back. I chose to go to her office and tell her how much I appreciated the timely manner in which she handled the problem for me. I said it had been a horrible experience for me and she had made it better by the way she handled it. In order to do this, I imagined that she had done the best she could under whatever circumstances were creating her frame of mind, and I recalled some things that I appreciated about her. By so doing, my expression of appreciation to her was genuine. The transformation of her attitude was miraculous. First, her eyebrows went up in surprise and then, as I spoke further, her normal smile for me came back to her face. My power was restored to me because I chose to be kind instead of confronting her attitude or making an issue of my rights.

So, in light of this, I believe that if you view compromise in relationships as a loss of rights and a loss of power, you are anchored in your ego state and your results will be resentments and unhappiness. It is the perfect formula for the break-up of families.

Especially in personal relationships, by standing back and silently observing your actions you can consciously choose to respond in kindness, realizing that, most likely, none of the other person’s desires, attitudes, ideas, needs, opinions or demands are based in anything having to do with you. This choice gives you your own power back, and you are now in a position to recognize what you have gained and the feeling of loss dissolves. The response you receive will be a lessening of the other’s demands. You win! Therefore, both can walk away from the situation feeling that they still have their power. This gives each one a new appreciation of each other, as well as a clearer perception of their definition of compromise in relationships.

© 2007, Mary N. Kennedy. Mary Kennedy is a long-time reader of Innerchange. She began writing nearly 20 years ago at the age of 55, and this is her first time submitting something for publication. She also enjoys oil and acrylic painting, symphony concerts, museum visits and stage performances. Her favorite pastime: “sitting on my patio and appreciating everything I see or looking out my window at the sunrise.” Future plans include learning Spanish, studying astronomy, and many other things for self improvement and a greater spiritual understanding of herself and others. You can contact Mary at merryknell@yahoo.com

Appeared in the April/May 2007 issue of Innerchange